A time to Stop Apologizing...

I am petrified. Writing this. Already I want to say "... I'm so sorry".

I apologize often for the woman I am. I don't want to intimidate people, but I do.

Oh goodness, that sounds horrible. It sounds conceited and pompous.

It's definitely not meant to be.

That right there, is my fear.

She sat across from me, legs bent towards her chest. My friend was listening with a troubled look on her face at what I was doing.

I was Down-playing who I am.

Not embracing the success that God has given me.

"That's so sad" she said. "It makes me sad, that you aren't willing to walk confidently in the gifting's He's given you... in the way you were made." "You are more concerned about what others will think, that you will belittle who you naturally are."

She's telling me things I already know. Things I try to hide.

"But I don't want to come across as boastful. Full of Pride" even as I say it, it brings back past hurts.

I want to shout this out as loud as I can, or get a t-shirt made that says "I'm NOT perfect, nor do I claim to be". I am not above correction. I am not above discipline. I am not above anything.

I long to be known for who I am. Not the things I do. I am more then a wife, a mother, a cook, a housekeeper, a blogger, a runner, and a business owner. Although I give all those things my best effort, I know I'm far from perfect or having it "all together".

A washed floor and a hot supper, does not mean I'm something special.

A glistening toilet and a themed birthday party, does not mean I am without faults.

A made up bed and a weeded garden, does not mean I'm always happy.

Organization does not equal Perfection.

I say I'm an "open book" to those who take the time to discover the real me.

Underneath all the stuff I do, I just am. Warts and all.

Truth is, it's easier for people to "think" or "assume" to know someone, then to truly know them. We make our judgments. State our opinions. Take no time. Conclude.

My friend looked me directly in the eyes, "I want to tell you something Manda, you need to STOP apologizing for being you". She continued on. Explaining that people's assumptions of me can not be controlled. Not by me, anyway.

What others think/judge/assume about me, are their own insecurities. Voiced.

This friend of mine wrapped her words in love, and gave me a gift.

Permission.

I want others to know I'm deeper then the surface of what you see, but I am who I am.

I give things my best effort. Most times, 100%.

I am organized. Goal-orientated. Passionate. Intense.

I am one who likes to do all things with excellence.

Is that a bad thing? It's not meant to intimidate anyone. Its how He created me.

Can I embrace it without an apology, or having to list my short-comings along side my success?

I still fail. I make numerous mistakes.

I don't think I've got this life figured out, pieced all together, or all my ducks in a row...

I'm just me. I'm learning. I'm being moulded. I'll make no apology (at least not today).

"Wait!!! Wait, I'm sorry..."

Sigh...

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth. (Psalm 139:13,15)