I watch the steam rise as I slide my body beneath the bubbles, into the bath. My toes feel the scalding first as I immerse. Enveloped by scorching water.Tears begin to fall in harmony with the drips from the leaky faucet.
This is my place. To let it all out.
Desperate for a cleansing. An outpouring. A renewing.
Water does that to me.
My heart has been ripped-apart. Torn.
In a season of mending. Restoration.
Not.
A completely busted-up state, in which grace is my only hope.
I reach for His merciful hand which carries me and holds all the pieces.
The apostle Paul knew the human heart, the waging, when he said "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do." (Romans 7:15a)
Reduced to fragments. For His greater purpose.
I soak in deep. Water covering all but my face. Tears mixing in.
The pain and heat make it hard to breathe.
When God does a work in you, it's not always easy. Come to think of it... it never is.
While we may prefer to keep our "masks" on and pretend that all is well, I think it's important for people to see we aren't created to have it all-figured-out or put-all-together. Others may feel more comfortable when we stick to shallow surface encounters, but I just can't do it... realness seeps out of my pours. I hold dear those who are authentic. The ones who aren't willing to pretend.
God used a particular situation in my life to open up my heart and show me what was really there. Since then, I feel like my life has been over-hauled by Him, spread wide-open, peeled back, chiseled. Revealing the depths.
I desire the start of a fresh journey. One that has been denied.
Not.
Easy.
It's in brokenness that truth comes pouring out, even if only from the eyes.
Struggles are intense. A wrestling within.
I lift my hands up. Water pours down my arms as I wipe my face of the hurt welling-up.
The one thing I know, in all of this...
He has a plan. That is where I rest.
Where He holds me and His peace flows like a river.
He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
(Colossians 1:17)
I weep "Hold me, hold me close."
"It's in brokennes that truth comes pouring out, even if only from the eyes."
ReplyDeleteBeautiful.
Sometimes I hear or read a line that sticks with me and never leaves -- always in the back of my mind, ready to meet me at the perfect moment. Usually, I can never really put my finger on what makes it so special to me. I can't tell if it's the picture they paint, the way they flow together, or just the words themselves... But I hear them and it's like my heart screams, "YES!" This is one of those memorable statements.
Thank you, yet again :)
Hey Manda! Just listened to JJ Heller for a few hours yesterday! I love love that song. Let the tears flow... they are healing :)
ReplyDeleteGirl! I love that song! And oh.my.dang. we really gotta find a way to get together - maybe a phone date with coffee. ;)
ReplyDeleteI love your heart - your vulnerability.
It speaks to me - resonates with me.
You say what I have a hard time finding words for.
Much love, my friend,
M.
Thanks for this one Manda. They all are so beautiful, but this one rings so true to my heart. Bless you!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful!!
ReplyDeleteFound your blog through Michabella...I will definately be a follower..
Have a Blessed Day!
"When God does a work in you, it's not always easy."
ReplyDeletethat has been my week... this post was SO totally what I'm feeling this week. Thank you friend...
Hello. Popping in from one of the Friday Follow blog parties. I forget which one it was now. Oh well, I've added myself as a follower. Have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteOne of my all time favorite quotes is by Fenelon. On the death of self...
ReplyDelete"The great Physician who sees in us what we cannot see, knows exactly where to place the knife. He cuts away that which we are most reluctant to give up. And how it hurts! But we must remember that pain is only felt where there is life, and where there is life is just the place where death is needed. Our Father wastes no time by cutting into the parts which are already dead....He wants you to live abundantly, but this can only be accomplished by allowing Him to cut into that fleshly part of you which is stubbornly clinging to life."
Oh how painful..but beneficial...these times of weakness are. I am so thankful that God pursues us until those thing are broken open, brought to light...and so can be changed by Him. It really is a "merciful blow"!! The "sight" of the problem..then becomes the cure!!
Thank you for "opening" yourself.
It is good!
mmm..my dear sweet Manda...I hear your heart, I seem to mirror your journey in so many ways..the gasps for breath, the mercy, the brokeness..you are loved..thank you for helping me know that I am not alone. I love you and yoru heart Manda.
ReplyDeleteHey, my friend, I've been there and go there a lot. I just read a poem written by a blogger about being strong on the outside, then under the spray of the shower adding your tears. I have to tell you that I cry much more now than I ever did, and not always for bad reasons. I believe that it is healing and provides release. But you know - God will give you the strength to get you through and he is always there to dry your tears.
ReplyDeleteAND - go to my blog cuz I'm giving you another award cuz you are that special to me!
xo Erin
This is just gorgeous! I love the description of taking a hot bath and the tears mixing in. I love your take on things. We are not perfect and some of us are able to take of the mask. It's so much more real and in the end it's so much easier. It may be awkward for some people but it's awkward for me to pretend. This is a beautiful post and I am so glad I read it. It really inspired me!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be thinking about this and that how when God does a work in us, it's never easy! In a way, that could be comforting . . .we can know He is at work, because things aren't easy
ReplyDeleteSuch a moving post, Manda. We should never be satisfied with masks, but always be desiring to be transformed into the likeness of Christ.
ReplyDeleteThat process always hurts, but I praise Him that He loves us enough to cause pain that brings healing.
Have a blessed weekend!