"Really?" After 15 years of affirmations being showered upon me, I still question the why. Responses wrapped in hesitation and uncertainty. I'm only starting to understand the reasons for my unbelief.
It feels like I'm spotting the glorious horizon after spending decades in the ocean. Swallowed up. Thrashing about the mighty waves of insecurity, fear, and lies. Those powerful slashing lies that slither their way in and say "you are never going to be enough". I've been drowning in doubt desperate to stay afloat.
"Yes, really." He states gently with broken-hearted concern.
"I have a hard time believing that" I'm honest with my reply.
"Well, Sweetheart that is something you need to work out. I told you my truth."
Husband's truth is my obstacle.
I am becoming more and more aware that this is immensely personal but also immensely universal among women. Our feminine design has a passionate heart that earns for love and beauty. We feel it from a very young age. Our deep desire to be beautiful in the unveiling of who we really are. It is rooted into the core of our being.
Not just to be beautiful, but to simply be BEAUTY. In every facet of the word.
We were made to be seen. Known. Cherished. Loved.
It's okay to want it!
There is no flaw in His handiwork. In His fashioning of us.
When I look out past the endless waters of ocean deep, I see the celestial sphere. Land to place me feet.
I know my Saviour is waiting ever so mercifully. The lover of my soul who wants more then my heart. He wants my life.
When I'm brave enough to ask Him, I call out "And you, Jesus? Do you think I'm beautiful?" tears flow salty. "With my self-inflicted flaws, dirty hands, and this sad grimy heart... Do you still think I'm beautiful?"
I listen. I hear. He whispers soothingly "Yes, I do. All of it is beauty to me." He knows I don't quite believe Him, but He is patient and good.
No condemnation for unbelief. No condemnation in Jesus.
He is teaching me I don't need to make my way to the land of wholeness when I serve a God who walks on water. A Saviour who rescues. I'm not journeying alone.
He wants me to believe. In Him. In who He created me to be. His encapsulating love.
He wants me to grab hold of the faith He's given me, to step out of this raft which is made up of self-condemning thoughts and lies. Reach for His hand and walk on water over to the promised land. That sweet grace-filled horizon.
With the crashing waves of fear, insecurity, and unbelief beneath my feet, I rise above.
"I'm figuring it out. It will come. You will come to my rescue." I say this quietly under-breath . For only me and Him to hear.
Belief. In my God-given Beauty. Will. Come.
How about you, do you find it hard to see your own beauty?